The week’s most tantalising and salacious Labour Party gossip we were too drunk to to publish: Simon Danczuk, John Woodcock, Dan Hodges, Lord Levy, Jon Cruddas, Consensus, and Corbyn’s List.

Simon Danczuk: Dial F for Fraud

Simon Danczuk

Gaffe-prone imbecile and failed pork salesman turned politician, Simon Danczuk, has allegedly taken time out of his busy schedule of rigging internal selections, beating his wife, grooming children, marital rape and favoriting hardcore pornography on his parliamentary Twitter account to commit fraud, for which he is now under investigation by Scotland Yard having been ordered by IPSA to pay back £11,000 pounds.

45 Minutes suggests he does the honourable thing and draw a sad face on his member so anyone reading the Sun will be able to see his show of contrition, or at least resign since he is no longer a Labour MP.

John Woodcock Loses His Head

Bumbling buffoon, John Woodcock, got himself into a highly awkward position at least twice this week, with some decidedly blue social media activity. The Liz Kendall-supporting MP was less Barrow in Furness than fire and brimstone as he deemed Jeremy Corbyn’s appearance at PMQs a “fucking disaster”.

Woodcock Tweet

Having quickly deleted the offending tweet, the aptly surnamed Woodcock stunned his followers with an innovative take on the traditional MP’s surgery, offering to give head to his constituents.

Woodcock Facebook Post

After a week of gaffes, the aspirational former Progress chair took to the Mirror to tell the electorate that they were being “appallingly served” by our dear leader Jeremy Corbyn. Calls for his resignation were echoed by expenses cheat and former encyclopedia editor Angela “Death From Above” Smith.

These calls were rebuffed by Baron Prescott. 45 Minutes hopes he will respond in time-honoured fashion by thumping John Woodcock in the mouth from one of his speeding Jags.

In any case, given the beleaguered Woodcock’s social media promises, 45 Minutes will be referring him to the Electoral Commission for “treating”. As the thoroughly impotent Commission’s own rules explain:

“A person is guilty of treating if either before, during or after an election they directly or indirectly give or provide any food, drink, entertainment or provision to corruptly influence any voter to vote or refrain from voting”

Dan Hodges: Don’t Condemn Islamophobia

Hodges Tweet

Islamophobe and illegitimate love child of Simon Weston and Kate Hoey, Dan Hodges, took to Twitter this week to condemn Corbyn for upsetting millionaire former music industry executive and Blair’s Middle East peace envoy, Lord Levy, for having the indecency to condemn both Islamophobia and anti-Semitism in the party.

Lord Levy presided over exactly 9 conflicts in the Middle East while he was Peace Envoy, which suggests that in addition to being an unashamed cry-baby he is incredibly bad at his job.

Of course, 45 Minutes agrees that condemning Islamophobia is ridiculous. It’s not as though Lord Levy’s friend Tony Blair said that there’s “a problem within Islam” or the Tony Blair Faith Foundation is funded by the same people who fund MEMRI - an organisation whose terrorism expert, Steve Emerson, told Fox News that Birmingham is a “Muslim only city” where non-Muslims “don’t go.”

Cretins to launch “Consensus”

Jon Cruddas

The permanently bemused looking Jon Cruddas is to spend an entire hour not slating the election losing manifesto that he himself wrote to launch yet another “unity” faction of the Labour Party, this time named “Consensus”. 45 Minutes thinks he must be competing for “most ridiculous faction name” - at least, that is, since Jon Lansman cracked open a bottle of Perroer-Jouët Belle Epoqe Brut in his £1.5m Shoreditch penthouse and came up with “Momentum.”

45 Minutes remembers when factions had monikers that vaguely described their objectives, such as the Campaign for Labour Party Democracy or Labour First. But then again, aspirational nouns are now en vogue.

On the 12th of April he will appear alongside Cambridge-educated tax-dodging, millionaire nepotist, Stephen Kinnock; millionaire, former consultant for tax-dodging PricewaterhouseCoopers, Seema Malhotra; and Oxford-educated, blairite dullard, Angela Eagle to unite Oxbridge-educated millionaires on both the left and the right of the party.

If only there was some sort of organisation that already did that…

Corbyn’s Leaky Faucet

Corbyn's List

Another week, another leak, this time apparently from the leader’s office ranking MPs from most to least hostile to Jeremy Corbyn. Corbyn’s office has denied that they are the source of the list. It is unclear as to whether this is because they genuinely did not produce it, or they are embarrassed of whoever produced it because it is so poorly researched.

A quick glance at the list shows some glaring errors, such as “Rebecca Long-Bailer”, whose name is spelt wrongly in spite of the fact she is a loyal Corbynista and sits on the board of directors of Momentum.

The list also features some strange choices, such as Wes Streeting being deemed Neutral. Not that 45 Minutes has anything against young Wes, but it is strange to see the silky smooth Cambridge-educated, NOLS backed, former NUS President who spent a year working for Progress and the aforementioned tax-dodging PricewaterhouseCoopers being considered less hostile than Ed Miliband, who is listed as Core Group Negative.

Karl Turner is listed as Core Group Plus in spite of being described by The Times during the leadership campaign as Burnham’s Hatchet Man, accusing Corbyn supporters of being Greens and Trotskyites, and publicly berating Socialist Campaign Group member, Austin Mitchell.

While Turner has recently acted very reasonably, it is odd to see him deemed less hostile than Jo Cox who, in spite of nominating Corbyn and praising him over Syria, is Core Group Negative.

John Mann, author of the risible and barely-literate Manifesto for a Brilliant Britain, which 45 Minutes believes is the first manifesto be have all of its policy cribbed directly from the comments section of the Daily Mail, is also Core Group Negative, in spite of the fact he has spent the entire year attacking Corbyn in the Tory press and threatening him with a coup.

Simon Danczuk also features on the list, in spite of the fact he is not even a member of the Labour Party anymore and is listed as an independent in his parliamentary biography.

We also see Michael Meacher on the list, which will surprise Jim McMahon, since Michael Meacher died in October last year.